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Stories

My First Club Experience

This occurred in Mexico. My best friend, Vanessa, and her family invited me to go to Ensenada with them, so of course I went. On the very FIRST night, there were some girls that were friends with their family. Most of those girls were probably in their twenties, one was in her thirties. They came up to us and asked us, "hey do you guys want to go to Papa's and Beer?" Vanessa immediately replied, "YES!" Now I was uncertain, I asked them, "Don't you have to be eighteen?!?! Im not eighteen!" They told me not to worry and that I could use one of their IDs. So immediately they began looking through their purses and putting their IDs next to my face saying "nope, that doesnt look like you." Finally, they found one that was somewhat similar (Im friggin chinese and their hispanic!!!). Then they realized that I looked young. So they decide to make me look older by putting make-up on me. At this point, I was repeating the phrase "holy shit" over and over in my head. While they were putting make up on me, Vanessa was just staring and laughing at me the whole time. What wonderful support! After they were done, Vanessa's dad drove us to the place

We got there. I was fucking worried at this point. I thought the guy at the entrance would surely catch me, but he let me in. Once I got in, I was super amped. We walked onto the dance floor. We couldn't find Vanessa's dad, and he was supposed to watch over us, so we decided, lets find a place thats totally noticeable, how bout the STAGE!!!!!!!!! So first off, we started dancing on the stage. Some random mexican dude came up to me and asked me to dance with him, so I said sure. One of his friends, some total gangster looking guy asked Vanessa to dance with him. So there we were, on the fucking stage, where everyone and their mom's could see us. Eventually, Vanessa's dad did find us, what a surprise, and I left that mexican dude.

Since there seemed to be many college students there, Vanessa and I had a goal of dancing with just ONE hot guy. We decided to explore. We walked upstairs. Upstairs was a totally different environment. It was more of a smokey lounge that had techno music. I was walking through the crowd, and suddenly I felt a burn on my arm. I realized that someone's cigarette butt burned my arm. That fucker. I had a scar for awhile, but now its gone. We headed back downstairs and started dancing, and just looking around. In the process of all of this, many mexican guys kept asking us to dance with them, and both of us were like "fuck no" except much more polite than that. We sat on a table, and some random guy walks past us. This guy kinda looks at me and nods. He was some white guy, he looked kinda cute, but I couldnt really tell, so I just nodded back. Then some hispanic guy (who was actually kinda cute), asks Vanessa to dance. He gives her a little lap dance too, just to coax her. Im laughing at her, and then I feel a tap on my back. It was the same white guy who looked at me. He asks me to dance, and I look at him. It was kinda dark, but he looked cute. I turned to Vanessa and she gives me this "YEAH GO DANCE WITH HIM" look. So I said yes. We go out to the dance floor, and I look at him and realize, FUCK HES OLD!!!!!! Not super old, probably like late twenties early thirties. At this point, Im kinda freaked out, but I didnt want to back out. He was cute for an older guy though. So I dance with him, the whole time Vanessa was next to me and giving me gestures and mouthing the words "HES OLD!!!" We probably dances for about thirty minutes, and during this process we had a having a conversation. This is how the conversation went:

Guy: "How old are you?"
Me: "Im a first year college student"
Guy: "What college do you go to?"
Me: "UCSB"
Guy: "Thats cool. Whats your major?"
Me: "Communications"
Guy: "What kind of stuff do you learn as a communications major?"
Me: "uhhh....Im only in general ed stuff right now"
Guy: "Oh, thats cool"
Me: "Are you in college?" (Im hoping to god that he was)
Guy: "No, I'm a teacher"
Me: "Thats nice" (At this point, I knew that he was old)
Guy: "Is that your friend" he looks toward Vanessa
Me: "Yeah"
Guy: "is she a friend from school?"
Me: "No, a friend from home"
Guy: "Where does she go to?"
Me: "UCLA" (greatest lie I've ever told)
Guy: "Oh thats nice"

After that our conversation ended. I felt totally awkward, but still it was fun. After dancing with those guys, both of us were pretty beat. It was probably around 2:30ish at this time. We sat around the lounging area, and almost fell asleep. We had to wait for the other girls because they didnt want to leave yet. While we were waiting, other guys asked me to dance, but I said no. Some random guy came up to me, and put his arm around me and invited me to a bonfire. He was kinda cute, but I said no. I should have said yes, but too late now. We got back to the hotel around 4:30am. I was totally beat.

Lesson: Look at the person your gonna friggin dance with (although he was cute).


 
Blowing Shit Up 

During the same Mexico trip, Me, Vanessa, Andres (Vanessa's Brother), and Will (Andres' friend) decided to get firecrackers, and blow shit up.

We found a nice place to blow things up. We took M80s and threw it at random stuff and let it blow. Will had these things that shot in the air. Vanessa lit one up, and started running, except the fire sort of followed her and almost landed in her hair. Quite funny.

There also happened to be horse shit. We took an M80, and lit it, then stuck it in the horse shit. Lets just say, there wasnt much left.

The BEST part was the M1000. An M1000 is basically almost a stick of dynamite. There just happaned to be a small palm tree. We took the M1000, lit it, and stuck it in the top of the palm tree. We start running. I run as far as fucking possible. I put my fingers in my ear. Nothing. All of us stare at each other with a "wtf?" look. Andres goes back. We start yelling at him telling him that its a dumb idea. He looks at the firecracker and yells "the light went out!" The fuse is obviously shorter, so he lights it again. We run. All of a sudden, I hear this deep BOOM sound. It was such an awesome sound. I could even feel it. It was like a bass sound almost. I look at it, and see the thing just blow. We go back to the area. All the leaves were blown off, and spread around. So friggin awesome.

Lesson: Firecrackers kick so much ass



Blowing Shit Up Part 2

When Vanessa and I came back from Mexico, we decided to bring home some firepower with us. Me, Mark, Young, and Vanessa decided to test this out in PV. We drove to Abalone Cove at about 9pm.

At Abalone Cove, there were some random poles in the ground. The poles were hollow. We stuck M80s in there, and blew it up. That was ok.

We wanted to find something to put the M1000. A trashcan. Perfect. We threw the M1000 in the trashcan and started running. Boom. Came back. The trashcan was smoking. There was trash splattered everywhere. It was friggin awesome!! We realized, we better leave, considering we were in PV, and firecrackers are illegal. So we started running to my car, and drove off as quickly as possible.

Lesson: Firecrackers in trashcans are awesome



The Butterfly Knife Escapade

This is another Mexico story. Me and Vanessa were in this shopping place. We were looking for a gift for Mark, and then we spotted a butterfly knife. The guy originally asked for 20 bucks for it, but we got down to 18, and bought it.

We walked around more and spotted more butterfly knives. The knives at other stores were 10 bucks. We got ripped. Those assholes! Both of us were pissed. So we decided, we would try to pawn our butterfly knife on unsuspecting tourists.

The rest of the time there, was spent trying to sell the knife. Vanessa went up to tourists (mostly college guys) and tried to convince them. We got frustrated, so Vanessa got a margarita. Damn that margarita was good. I was sipping her margarita (and laughing at her), and she kept trying to pawn off that damn butterfly knive. She looked like one of those guys with random stuff in their coats trying to sell it. She would coly go up to tourists and in a very slick manner say "hey would you like a butterfly knife?" Too damn funny. In the end, we got screwed over. We didnt sell the knife, and Vanessa got hit on a bunch of times. 

Lesson: Dont buy stuff immediately. Look around first, or else your the one thats fucked.



Old People are Weird

One day, I was driving past Wilson Park. I look, and I see this old guy punching the air. He was running and punching and kicking the air at the SAME TIME. It was hilarious!! It looked like he was having a battle with air. I look around at the cars around me, and everyone was staring and pointing. I was laughing my ass off. He must be crazy.

Lesson: I must videotape that man



Bipolar Card Games

Another Mexico Story (man that weekend was a damn good time). Me, Vanessa, and Andres were bored, so we decided to play a friendly card game.

All was good in the beginning, except Andres started to cheat. I didnt know how competitive Vanessa was. She started yelling like crazy at her brother. One of the funnier things she said to him was, "I HATE YOU WITH A PASSION!!!" I could just see her eyes flare up, and damn, she was pissed. I kinda messed up and she yelled at me, "YOUR A FAILURE AT LIFE!!!" At this point, I was kinda taken aback, I kinda gave her a "wtf?" look. Scary.

Lesson: Dont play cards with Vanessa, unless you let her win.



Drunken Stupor

The first time I ever got piss ass drunk (or drank in the first place), was my freshman year.

It was right after a drumline comp. At that time, my friend Michael's parents were away, so his house was open. We convinced a mutual friend to get us the booze. The funny part was trying to convince our parents to let us stay at his house. I had no trouble. My parents were away in Vegas, so I call up my bro and simply say "Im staying at a friends for the night, bye!" He replies with a simple "Ok!" Young had trouble convincing his parents. He made up some bullshit lie saying that the comp was running late, so he would have to stay with his friend. While he was talking to his mom, the rest of us were screaming and yelling out random high school names as if we were at a drumline comp. Most of us were screaming "YEAH!! GO TORRANCE!! WOOO!!!!" Funny thing is, his mom believed all that bullshit.

The booze came and I started drinking. Now, I didnt know if I was a light weight, middle, or a heavy weight. I knew that my mom couldnt take her alcohol, but my dad could. Hopefully I got the better genes. Hell, I was wrong!! I got the bad genes from both parents. I cant take alcohol for shit, I turn cherry red, and I puke like crazy. At first I was ok...I remember ripping out my contacts because I couldnt have them on all night, and I didnt have glasses with me. My friends thought I was weird for doing that.

After I drinking enough for me to not walk straight, I had to go to the bathroom. The downstairs one was taken, so I walked upstairs. After I was done, I looked down the foreboding steps, and I thought, "how the hell am I gonna get down when I cant even walk straight?" I had a flash of brilliance. I decided that I should sit down, and slide down the stairs, because if I were to walk I would surely fall. My drunken head thought of this, so I slide down the stairs. My friends were very close to the stairs, and they saw my escapade. They gave me another strange glare. I explained to them my reasoning, and they all kinda laughed. I thought I made sense, and I still think I do. It must be weird seeing your drunken friend slide down a set of stairs. I dont really remember much after that. I know that I was on the couch for awhile, and I was laughing so hard that I rolled onto my friend Mark on the ground.

After awhile, the alcohol was totally starting to get to me, and my new friend became the toilet seat. I puked so much that there wasnt anything left in my stomache, and I just started convulsing. WORST FEELING EVER!!!! Half of the time I was puking, Michael comes up to me in a drunk stupor and just starts laughing and pointing at me. Asshole. After I was all puked out, I fell on the bed and fell asleep.

Next morning, I walk downstairs with Young, and we notice a big pile of puke near the dining room table. We both stare at each other. We were threatened by Michael earlier if puke were found anywhere besides the toilet. I ask young "did you...." and he replies "no...." then he asks me "did...." and I say "I was parked by the toilet the whole time." Both of us scratch our heads, and then Michael comes down. He starts yelling at us. He says that he didnt do it, but both of us didnt either. Michael calls up the mutual friend and he says "dude...Michael you puked right there." Michael replies "REALLY?!?!? I dont even remember!! Are you sure?!??!" Mutual friend, "YES!! I was right there." Me and Young give each other looks, because hes blaming the puke on us when he puked on the floor himself. Michael cleans the mess with dish washer detergent stuff, and magically, its gone. His parents never suspected a thing.

Lesson: Drinking too much is bad. Must work on drinking skills in college.



Burning Trashcan

I dont remember how old I was, but I was pretty damn young. I think I might have been ten years old.

For some reason, I had the greatest urge to play with fire. Me and my brother thought it would be fun to light paper on fire, INSIDE THE HOUSE!!! Dumb idea. We ran out of paper, and I decided to light a tissue on fire. So it caught on fire rather quickly. A little to quickly. I didnt know what to do, so I threw it in the trashcan near by. Bad idea. The whole trashcan light on fire. My brother was screaming, and I didnt know what to do. I ran downstairs and grabbed water. My brother was still screaming and calling me names like "stupid" (the jerk didnt even help me). I got rid of the fire. Good thing there was a plastic bag covering the trashcan. Only the plastic bag felt the wrath of the flames. The trashcan was basically unscathed. My mom never suspected a thing.

Lesson: Dont play with fire inside, or even around a trashcan.



Random Tangents when your "Crunked"

First off, Crunk means that you act drunk/high even though your not drunk or high.
During the Mexico trip, Me and Vanessa got bored, and decided to take a walk even though it was midnight. Both of us were tired, so we just sort of laid by the pool.

Somehow, we got on the most randomest topic ever. Pornos, man whores, and condoms. Vanessa randomly mentioned that her porn name would be "Albino Kitty." She learned this from some internet quiz site. She randomly came up with the idea that she should have a man whore house and call it Albino Kitty's Lair. Her top man whore would be Mark. Mark would be hers only. We decided to come up with a name for Mark, I deemed Mark, "Super Fuck."

So now you have Super Fuck and Albino Kitty working at Albino Kitty's Lair. I needed to be in this somehow. Since I want to go into the movie business, I was going to be the director of their pornos. My name would be A. Fok. I would sponsor them. I would have a company called A Fok's Rubbers, which sells condoms (with googly eyes) and erasers, because rubbers in the US are called condoms, while rubbers in the UK are refered to as erasers. So I would have a condom/eraser company, and I would sponsor Albino Kitty's Lair, and make pornos staring Albino Kitty and Super Fuck. Since my condoms would have googly eyes, I discovered the perfect slogan, "Its happy to see you!"

Both of us were laughing hysterically at our random tangent. We sounded like we were totally wasted.

Lesson: Getting crunked is fun


The Holy Spike

One day, Me, Vanessa, Young, Jasmine, and Amber decided to go to the pier. We always park by this Methodist Church, because its free parking.

Right by the church, there was a spike on the ground. It looked like one of those railroad spikes. Vanessa picks it up and decides to bang it on every object that she can reach. We pass by the church, and she starts banging the damn spike over and over again on the church wall. All of us stop and give Vanessa a "WTF?!?!?!?!?" look. She looks up and says, "What?!?!?" We all look at her, and tell her "Vanessa, your hitting the spike on a church" She realizes her stupid ass mistake, and she starts laughing. I was trying to tell her that what she did was sacrilegious, but somehow the word didnt come out right, and I said "sacrilicious" instead. So I made up a new word. They thought it was funny.

We got to the beach, and somehow the spike got deemed the "holy spike." Vanessa was having fun with her spike, banging it against every friggin pole. She looked like an idiot, but it was funny watching her bang the holy spike on random objects.

I wonder where the holy spike is now....

Lesson: Dont bang spikes on churches, its very sacralicious....Mmmmm....sacralicious....


The Stalkers being Stalked

During drumline competitions sophmore year, there was this really hot guy that my friend Patty was obsessed with. He was pretty hot. His name was Alfredo. EVERY single time she saw him, she would freak out. I always shook my head.

For some odd reason, Me and my friend Vilma would ALWAYS see the guy randomly during drumline competitions. We even bumped into him once on accident. After awhile, the guy thought that we were stalking him. We heard him talking about it to his friends. The funny thing is, we so werent! It was as if he was stalking us and not the other way around.

We were sitting in the stands, and Alfredo and his friends happen to be pretty close. Patty, of course, pointed him out to all of us. We were all making fun of her, and telling her to approach him. One of the guys, Jimmy, decides to take advantage of this. He takes a camera, and takes a picture of him secretly. Then he goes up to Alfredo. I was watching him talk to Alfredo, and Patty was anxious. She was totally freaking out. He comes back and says that he pointed Patty out to Alfredo, but Alfredo said that she looked young. Jimmy told Alfredo that Patty wasnt, but Alfredo wasnt into her. Boo. Sucks, but funny.

Lessons: Drumline guys are hot


Moorpark Disaster

It was the final marching band competition freshman year, and everyone was in good spirits. For some reason, me and my friends liked to go around looking for hot guys. So off we went.

Randomly, two guys approach us. It was Me, Vilma, and Laura. One of the guys was pretty hot. We introduced each other, and they even gave us a friendly hug. When we were introducing each other I said my name all retarded by saying, "ummm...Audrey." Embarassing momment number one. They were talking about where they came from, and how far it was. Apparantly, I wasn't paying attention, because I asked them "so how far do you guys live?" and apparantly, they just said the answer. Vilma and Laura laughed and me, and they gave me weird looks. Embarassing momment number two.

After that, they left, and I couldnt stand another embarassing momment. I went back to the stands, and bowed my head in shame.

Lessons: Pay attention, dumbass!!


Death at Homecoming

It was after homecoming. Brad was driving a bunch of us in his van to go hang somewhere. We were on Sepulveda, about to turn left onto Crenshaw. Apparantly, Brad couldnt see the divider, so he ended up on the wrong friggin side!! He was going against traffic!! Everyone was screaming like crazy!! Amber kept yelling "OMG IM GONNA DIE!!!!" I was laughing hysterically!! I thought it was the funniest thing ever. Traffic was coming, and Brad was still on the wrong side. He quickly pulled into a gas station. Everyone yelled at him for being a bad driver. Brad tried to redeem himself by saying, "I couldnt see!" Whatever Brad, bullshit. Thats ok, it provided me with entertainment.

Lesson: Watch the god damn road!!


EMOness

This is a conversation between me, my mom, and my bro on the way back from dinner:
Me: "Your so friggin emo" (im making fun of my bro for being emo)
Bro: "No Im not"
Me: "Yes you are!"
Bro: "No Im not"
Me: "Whatever, emo kid..."
Mom: "Both of you shut up, Cliff, your emo and that settles it."
Bro: "You dont even know what emo is!!"
Mom: "Yes I do"
Me: "No you dont....then prove it!!"
Mom: "Emo means emotional. It means that Cliff is very emotional, and he is"
Me: *laughing hysterically* "Mom knows what emo is!!!"
Cliff: *confused* "I guess so"
Me: "YOUR AN EMO KID!!!!"

Lesson: My bro is an emo kid. Dont doubt the madre.


Water Competition

The second time I went to Kauai, my cousin came with me. My cousin Chris and I decided to go hiking. We found a nice little spot. It was this muddy path. It was pretty straight forward. There were no steep rocky roads or anything like that, but it was muddy, so after awhile I got a tad bit thirsty. I think my cousin sensed that, so she offered me water. I told her no. I offered her water, and she said no. It seems there was a water competition going on. The whole way up, she kept offering me water, and I kept offering her water, but both of us wouldn't give in. By the time we reached the top, we both agreed to drink some. Mutual consensus. On the way down, we had the same competition.

Lesson: Dehydration....yum....