Rants and Thoughts

Rants and Thoughts

Emo Momments

You ever get those momments that all of a sudden your filled with overwhelming sadness? Its SO emo! Randomly, totally out of the blue, I'll just get SO depressed and sad about stupid stuff. I'll think of all these things that just make me feel bad for myself. It happens most often WHEN I'm having a good time, which just ruins the whole momment. I could be with my friends with not a care in the world, and then BAM, I get all depressed. My friends can never tell though, because I'm very good at hiding it. I seem to have a very good facade. Usually when it happens, I start to think about the future. I don't live in the past or the present, I live in the unknown/future. I'll think about the future randomly. Its so foreboding to me. Since I am going to college soon, I'll also think about how I'm leaving SO many awesome people behind, and that makes me even more depressed. To me, my friends are the best part of my life. I couldn't live without them. I've bonded so much with certain people. When I think about leaving, god...It hurts....Sometimes I wish I could stay and be there, but then I start thinking about what I want. I am very ambitious. I want the best for me. I want everything. I can't give that up. I worry about my future. I worry about what I will become. I worry about everything, and fuck, it just pisses me off. What I want is a hard career. Something that many dream of, but often never succeed. What differentiates me? I haven't got any form of experience. I often wonder if I will succeed. Will I get what I always dreamed about? Only hope....

When Audrey is Dead....

You ever wonder about the afterlife?? I'm sure everyone has! When I die I often wonder what would happen to me. What religion has the correct vision on the afterlife? Of course no one knows, but I have an idea of what I THINK will happen to me based on my religion (buddhism) and christianity/catholicism.

Buddhism:
Buddhist believe that your reincarnated. If you have led a relatively good life, you'll get reincarnated to something cool like a rich person or something. If you had a bad life, you'll get reincarnated into something like a snail thats about to get salt thrown on it, or a ant that gets squished. I think you get the picture! If you lead many many many lives that were good, you can eventually become a buddha yourself (in other words, a god). If buddhists are correct, I think I'll end up being something in between. I think I'll end up being a cat or some animal, that is treated WELL. Or I would be a person that has a relatively normal, but very mundane life. But that reincarnation is pushing it a little bit.

Christianity/Catholicism:
I don't have to explain their beliefs, cause duh, everyone and their mom's know the basic beliefs of christianity/catholicism. If their religion is correct, I think I would end up in purgatory. My life isn't so pure that I deserve to be in heavan, but I definately did not sin enough to go to hell. I think I would probably wind up with maybe...Oh, I dunno....A decade in purgatory? Maybe then I can redeem myself, and wind up in heaven.

The Cute and Cuddly Theory

I hate bugs. Out of everything on the "Things that Audrey Hates" list, bugs are probably number one or at least very close to one. I hate the way bugs look. They are so gross! Why couldn't god have made them just a tad bit less disgusting?? So I decided that if I was god, I would make every bug look like a cute and cuddly animal. They will still do the same tasks that they were given, just they would be cute and cuddly. Can you imagine a cute little furry bunny rabbit like thing eating the flesh of a rotting animal (ie maggots)??

Then again, Young decided to prove my theory impossible. I agree with his point. He said that if every bug was like that, we wouldn't want to kill them, and then we would have massive problems with bugs. Well, too bad....That is rather unfortunate!

Movies that I will Make

If you know me, then you know that the dream is to become a director. If this were to happen, and I had the capability of writing my own scrips, then I would make certain movies. Here is a list of the movies that I will (hopefully) make:

1. A documentary on how stupid people are (man....I'm gonna get my ass kicked for that one. I think I'll wait until my career is almost dead).

2. A movie with wild animals, because I want to work with cool wild animals like tigers and lions. The movie will probably end up being something that has NOTHING to do with animals, but incorporate an animal in there randomly.

3. A chick flick
4. Some sort of psyhcological thriller like movie
5. A movie that has a deep message and makes you think
6. A stupid funny movie, something like Dumb and Dumber stupid funny
7. Some sort of comedy that is more dark and funnier in a different way, something that is like Daria.

8. A cartoon movie (i'll probably end up collborating with young!)

I dont know what else....When I think of more, I'll add it!

Those Days....

I'm weird. I get these days randomly where I feel just absolutely alone. I'm bitter with the world, and I'm lonely. I know that in reality, I am not alone. I know that my friends are here for me. But those days, I feel like my friends are no help, that somehow they have betrayed me. I am a total loner on those days. No one can comfort me. I just like to bathe in my own solitude. Its completely spontaneous when those feelings resurface. Usually, I'm a pretty happy person. I'm always lively, friendly, and just overall sociable. The feelings of loneliness can appear when I'm with my friends. Then I just get quiet. I get angry inside, but I try to hide it. I don't feel like being around my friends anymore. I want them to go away, but at the same time I don't because I feel all alone. It has hasn't happened much recently (thank god), but when it does come, everything sucks.

Why Music is so Cool

When I'm on my computer (i'm on it all the time), there is about a 95% chance that I am listening to music. I love it to death. It encompasses much of my life. I don't like rap or any of that popular shit. Only because to me, it doesn't mean anything. If you think about it, half of that music is about supposed "love", screwing people, money, and other bullshit stuff. Its cool to listen to that stuff if your at a dance, club, or something similar. But only because that stuff has a beat that you can dance too. I like to listening to rock, mostly. Music is obviously an artform. You can express what you feel to your listeners. This is why I love music with meaning. I like detailed lyrics, that have some form of depth in them. I like philosophical lyrics. To me, it makes you think. It defines what true music is, an expression of your inner feelings. I pay attention to lyrics. Most people do not, but I sure as hell do. I look up lyrics and I end up putting them as my away msg or profile if I like them (you probably noticed that a lot when I'm away on AIM). Don't get me wrong. I pay attention to the actual beat, and the actual musical portion of the song. I pay attention to that closely because I am a muscisian. I try to listen for the most infintessimal sounds of a song. For example, maybe in a song, a band hits, say a conga on a certain place in the song. Its totally discreet, and barely even noticeable. I look for that type of stuff when I listen to a song. I try to listen for every detail. It makes the song ten times better. I appreciate almost everything in a song. I like to unravel a song to its smallest detail. Yes, maybe I am obsessed, but maybe I just appreciate a good song.

Oh Life!

I have been questioning many things lately. It seems that I am in my existentialism state. So really, why do we exist? What is my purpose on this world? I'm not even close to discovering my worth to this world. When I thought about this, it reminded me of the book, The Stranger. Camus is a total existentialist. He basically said in the book that everything is pretty much meaningless. What does it matter? Your going to end up the same way no matter what. You die by cancer, or you die by AIDs, who cares? You die both ways right? Its more of a fate/destiny. I'm totally starting to believe in those existentalists. What does it matter the choices I make? In the end, I'll die won't I? What does it matter what I do? God has predestined everything in my life. He probably has already chosen a career for me. I don't know it, but no matter what I'm heading toward it. The common phrase "everything happens for a reason" comes into play. Since god has predestined everything, then everything does happen for a reason. Every action we do always leads up to something else, which serves some purpose in our life. I don't know why I do the things I do sometimes, so maybe thats just god's way of telling me what I need to do to achieve my final goal in life. Then again, what about the people who commit evil deeds in their life? People who commit deeds such as murder. Why does god have people do such malevolent deeds? Who deserves to die at the hand of another person? I don't think anyone does, unless it was in the form of self defense. No one has good enough reason to kill another. Why did god decide to predestine some people with the capability to kill? Maybe to every good there is a evil. Maybe its a sort of ying to the yang, a balance basically. God wants balance in the world, and with good, there is always evil. In the story of pandora's box, a curious person (in my opinion, curiosity is an innate human extinct) opened the box and brought evil to the world. Maybe that was supposed to happen. Evil is a burden, but it brings balance. (more on this later)